Welcome to The New Catholic Cafeteria. May I suggest starting with The Sacramental Salad Bar? We all love Baptismal-Being Beans or we wouldn’t be here in the first place. Bring some home to the kids. Or not … It’s up to you. There’s Swamp Cabbage Confession. If it’s not your thing, try the Matrimony Mushrooms Garnished With Ceremony Celery, Tofu Tears And Sprouts of Promises. Full disclosure: there’ve been some complaints of poison but, any doubts, send it back to the kitchen and we’ll take a look. Weekly Mass Watercress Sandwiches?—Old-fashioned, but some people still like them. It’s all good … please take your time.
In the meantime, consider the entrées. We feature the Red Meat Station. The Papal Primacy Prime Rib too tough to swallow? No problema! Try the Tenderloin a la Torquemada—goes great with some Black Legend Blood Sausage. And of course we serve the ever-popular Galileo Mis-steak: it’s a juicy one!
Over there’s our newest carving station: We call it Filet-O-Francis. Ownership may think it’s a prix fixe tasting menu but you can carve out whatever you want and the rest won’t go to waste. The Protestants will always be with you.
Filet-O-Francis offers Poor People Small Potatoes, Migrants Drowned In Sea Salt, Wild Capitalist Kimchi—Some call it an acquired taste and some call it rotten!—Earth Hash, Cold Facts Natural Law Cole Slaw, John Paul Two Chickenless Social Doctrine Cordon Bleu and—the pièce de la résistance—Assisi Strip Steak. Enjoy whatever ! The wine’s a forty-year old Liturgy. Too young for you? Older vintages are available upon request. It ends with a warm mug, if you want it, of Merciful Mate—pronounced maté—which is an Argentine sort of tea. The chef’s from that country and he’s controversial. Some say he’s ignorant about the best possible cuisine in the world, namely American food … like our Free Market French Fries and the Invisible Handburger. Other people say the opposite, like McDonald’s been in the developing world for years and years. So who are we to judge? You are! Welcome to The New Catholic Cafeteria!